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I’m fake.
Not all the time.
Just some of the time.

Mostly, I’m fake about my anger.

If you’ve ever seen those flashbacks on TV or the movies where someone flashes a mental picture of them hurling said irritant out the window and then you come back and see calm composure – that would be me. When I’m mad my insides explode and my outside get’s calmer. Dead almost. Or I just get a goofy ass grin and go blonde. Either way.

There is a part of me that truly envies women who can express anger openly. I wasn’t raised to do that, so for me it is very foreign.

Truth is, I have a horrific temper, I just don’t allow myself to express it, even in healthy ways like saying “I’m really angry right now, let me cool off and get back to you.” — I never get back. Most of the time, I rarely even let on that I’m mad.

I actually fired someone years ago over anger/hurt feelings and they have no idea I fired them.

I can still remember the trigger and the rage. I wasn’t just mad by what happened, I was deeply hurt and I wanted to inflict bodily harm. I wanted to create a scene. I remember visualizing bodily harm and a multitude of cuss words, throwing things (I cannot tell you how badly I wanted to throw something at that man’s head) and in your face so theres.

I didn’t do any of that. I left with a goofy smile and see you tomorrow, and I just never came back.

Well that’s partly true anyway. Once i cooled off I went back to talk, but they weren’t available, and they stayed unavailable. Guess they have the same issues.. avoidance. It’s just as well really – if I can’t be honest, maybe we shouldn’t be doing business together. Or be friends.

The kind of anger that is triggered during those moments usually involve personal shame, history and fear and I really do want to lash out with emotional violence. Not doing that is healthy, not addressing that at all however, is not.

To this day this man has NO idea how deeply hurt I was by his words – or by the fact he had someone on speaker phone when he said them and I knew it. I just avoid his area of business and his circles.

I live in a small town ya’ll. Reckoning day will eventually arrive. Not just for that relationship, but the countless others in my past that have fallen by the way side because of unresolved and unaddressed feelings. Anger or otherwise.

I’m not alone either.

I once polled my Facebook tribe and asked “What would you do if fear was not an issue.” I got the typical responses like skydiving, comedy, write a book, but then one response stood out.

“I’d give myself permission to express my anger.”


That came from someone I admire a whole lot and it hit me square between the eyes.

I’m not alone.

I’m not the only person who plays dumb in the face of anger because I’m afraid.

Anger is one emotion I’m very familiar with but really struggle with expressing. I’d rather stuff it, deal with it in private (my shower or journal) and leave you out of it than risk vulnerability, embarrassment, physical harm, shame or worse – abandonment. I never had permission to express anger growing up or as an adult with some extended family members. It was always a get over it or leave kind of environment. Avoidance is the motto and key to getting along. Stuff it and smile.

Or how did Miranda put it? Oh yeah, “Hide your crazy and start acting like a lady.”

I’ve only met a few men (or women for that matter) in my life that I trust enough to go toe to toe with. One of them happened to be on our church plant team years ago – oh man it was awesome. There was no fear of abandonment, physical harm or shame. He knew how to fight and I enjoyed the freedom of being able to do that with him. Neither of us took offense, and neither of us liked to lose which was a problem. So we dropped the ball.

It wasn’t a healthy expression of anger, but it was refreshing to know that I can express my personal anger full on and be taken seriously, not have it held against me, and move on. Somewhere in all of this is balance.

Wish I had an “in conclusion” to give here – with some great sage words of wisdom about speaker/listener technique or “I feel statements” but I really don’t right now. Yes, all of that is good, but when I’m blindsided by anger I still struggle. Maybe for me a good baby step is learning words like “ouch” and “I don’t know how to take that.” and start from there.

Have a great day peeps.

Don’t forget to breathe.

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  • deanaoharacomedy

Exactly how many times is a blogger allowed to say “I’m back” before people stop taking them seriously? I’m not sure. Let’s find out shall we?

2020 has been a trippy year, hasn’t it? I hate to say it, but I spent a lot of the year holding my breath and waiting.. What about you?

Waiting for what?

— COVID to go away.

— Church to open back up.

— My calendar to get “unpostponed” Yes, I made that word up. We didn’t say “cancelled” because that was too depressing. “Postponed” sounded much more helpful, if not a little bit of a denial of reality.

— My husband to go back into the office. He has been working from home since March. I could write a book about that.

— My Dad to finally get accepted into Assisted Living. – we just moved him in two weeks ago.

A lot of my comedy peeps have been posting videos, creating new ways to Pivot – and some nailed it I might say and me?

It wasn’t all waiting. It just felt that way some times. We closed our Cove for the safety of our guests and picked up an antique booth, stained glass, pottery making, soap making, writing courses, and the art of BBQ. I’ve also written new parody songs that I cannot wait to share.

I’ve also been taking care of my 82-year-old father, having groceries delivered and keeping him safe until there was room at the Inn.

Dementia sucks. I’m just going to say it. We were both exhausted by the time he moved.

I had already planned taking 2020 off until I could get Dad some place safe, so the lack of work wasn’t unexpected. The lack of fellowship? That was a whole other ballgame. I miss eyeballs, belly laughs, and hugs. Oh do I miss hugging my friends.

Although with all of the political fighting I’m seeing online, maybe staying home hasn’t been such a bad idea. Unfriending people on Facebook is a lot better then unfriending them in real life. There are just some things, I really don’t want to know about people and the snooze function is only good for 30 days at a time.

I’ve missed seeing everyone though. Church has opened and closed again for our group after both pastors, their wives, and half the praise band tested positive a few weeks back. It will be January before we are meeting again. For now we Zoom. It’s not quite the same, but it’s still something.

I also made a commitment to keep writing and do more with my time than wander the house looking for food, asking my husband when he thinks he will be returning to the office, or binge watching Netflix. Although I gotta say Schitts Creek and Virgin River are AMAZING!

Whenever I got hyper or anxious and would hold my breath, my banjo used to say “Breathe Darlin’ ” — and my summation of 2020, daily reminders to myself to just breathe, it’s gonna be okay.

Missed you guys!

  • deanaoharacomedy

This image says it all!

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